*Candidate for Hot Mess of The Year: Dumb Robber

10 04 2008

This negro is stoopid (with the two 0’s). I can’t even formulate words. He is definitely a candidate for Hot Mess of the Year.
Oh God. I’m just *dead* at the whole thing. Seriously…I’m speechless on this one.

Posted by Justin Time™

Popularity: 47% [?]



Well, SOMEONE’S Gotta Pay For Her Album Promo

10 04 2008

SMH. I never thought it’d come to this, but Chilli’s slangin’ bootleg bags, y’all. No, they aren’t the Prada knockoffs you can get on Canal (that would be better), these are some bags with blank canvases that you can personalize. I thought Michael’s trademarked this like fifty-leven years ago, but I guess not.

Bags by Chilli’s personalized photographic handbags allow you to advertise yourself, your loved ones, your hobbies, your passions, your travels, your artwork, your company or anything you desire–it is all up to you! Put yourself in the designer seat and decide what you will walk around advertising everyday. The Bags By Chilli logo is not displayed anywhere on the outside surface of your bags. There is only a discrete interior label. (MORE)

First of all, it’s “discreet” — “discrete” is a math term. (/end English major rant) Second of all, “Bags by Chilli”? Really? If she was gonna go this route you mean to tell me she couldn’t have come up with something better than that?

Look, I know she is coming out with a solo project and she was signed to Akon’s label for awhile — maybe she still is, but maybe she needs help paying for the promo. I’M NOT MAD AT HER BEING ON HER GRIND. But come on, you’re Chilli of TLC, I know y’all went bankrupt in ‘96 or whatever but I’m sure you have some “No Scrubs” money lying around. A customizable bag company? I really didn’t think you’d go out like this, my dear.

Posted by J

Popularity: 29% [?]



Even Blackface Is Ashamed Of This

4 04 2008

Here’s a promo poster for the new comedy Tropic Thunder in which Robert Downey, Jr. plays a black soldier alongside Ben Stiller and Jack Black.

He doesn’t even look black! I mean, I know that should go without saying since he’s a white dude, but if they were gonna try and get away with this foolishness, they could have at least done it right! He looks like one of those white boys from the Saturday Night Fever era with those sideburns and that he fell asleep in a bath of Lindsay Lohan’s fake tan.

Posted by J

Popularity: 28% [?]



Please Mr. Postman

1 04 2008
Side note: I spent a good ten minutes looking for a decent picture of this broad and was so annoyed I wasted my time that I decided to use this one of her looking like a damn Oompa Loompa instead.

Remy Ma wants her fans to write letters to her judge in an attempt to get her sentence reduced after receiving four guilty verdicts last week. Get out your Washables and construction paper!

According to New York’s Daily News, over the weekend the Grammy nominated rapper’s MySpace page posted a message of endorsement aimed directly at her core fan base, pleading for admirers to send nice letters about her in hopes of receiving a reduced sentence.

Please write letters about how Remy and her music has positively affected you, influenced you, inspired you, etc… in hopes that the judge will be lenient in Remy’s upcoming sentencing,” the note read.

On Thursday March 27, a Manhattan jury convicted Remy (born Reminisce Smith) of first-degree assault and weapons charges for shooting her former friend in the abdomen last July in a beef over the rapper missing $3,000.

The MySpace message concluded “Thank you for all your support.” Letters are asked to be sent to lettersforremy@gmail.com.

Manhattan Supreme Court Judge Rena Uviller is set to hand the embattled rapper a sentence on April 23. Uviller denied Remy’s attorney, Ivan Fisher’s request for Remy to spend the remaining days, until the sentencing, at home with her son. (Source)

I’m sure all 16 of her fans are writing furiously as we speak, but if I were the judge I’d throw her ass under the jail for just coming out looking the way she does. I mean, this chick makes Foxy Brown look like a fashionista.

I can just picture it now, a bunch of high school dropouts writing the judge a letter ~*LyKe DiZ*~ talking about how Remy inspired them to walk around the metal detectors at P.S. 112 when they went to meet their pimp/dealer/girl who stole $3,000 (or $3.50) out of their purse in the bathroom.

Posted by J

Popularity: 19% [?]



$0.99 to the first person who can give me a legit plot line

26 03 2008


What in the hot piss is this? This makes BET Movies look like Shakespeare plays. ROF @ her husband, but *dead* at the hot mess she’s creepin with. There’s one shot where his lips takes up the whole screen. Man! Certified Hotmessness!

Posted by Justin Time™

Popularity: 22% [?]



It’s All Relative

26 03 2008

According to a bunch of bored genealogists with nothing better to do, Barack Obama is related to Brad Pitt and Hillary Clinton is related to Angelina Jolie. That’s not all, though, they’re apparently related to everyone else on the face of the planet.

This could make for one odd family reunion: Barack Obama is a distant cousin of actor Brad Pitt, and Hillary Rodham Clinton is related to Pitt’s girlfriend, Angelina Jolie.

Researchers at the New England Historic Genealogical Society found some remarkable family connections for the three presidential candidates — Democratic rivals Obama and Clinton, and Republican John McCain.

Clinton, who is of French-Canadian descent on her mother’s side, is also a distant cousin of singers Madonna, Celine Dion and Alanis Morissette. Obama, the son of a white woman from Kansas and a black man from Kenya, can call six U.S. presidents, including George W. Bush, his cousins. McCain is a sixth cousin of first lady Laura Bush.

Obama has a prolific presidential lineage that features Democrats and Republicans. His distant cousins include President George W. Bush and his father, George H.W. Bush, Gerald Ford, Lyndon Johnson, Harry S. Truman and James Madison. Other Obama cousins include Vice President Dick Cheney, British Prime Minister Sir Winston Churchill and Civil War General Robert E. Lee.

“His kinships are across the political spectrum,” Child said.

Child has spent the last three years tracing the candidates’ genealogy, along with senior research scholar Gary Boyd Roberts, author of the 1989 book, “Ancestors of American Presidents.”

Clinton’s distant cousins include beatnik author Jack Kerouac and Camilla Parker-Bowles, wife of Prince Charles of England.

McCain’s ancestry was more difficult to trace because records on his relatives were not as complete as records for the families of Obama and Clinton, Child said.

Obama and President Bush are 10th cousins, once removed, linked by Samuel Hinkley of Cape Cod, who died in 1662.

Pitt and Obama are ninth cousins, linked by Edwin Hickman, who died in Virginia in 1769.

Clinton and Jolie are ninth cousins, twice removed, both related to Jean Cusson who died in St. Sulpice, Quebec, in 1718.

The New England Historic Genealogical Society, founded in 1845, is the oldest and largest nonprofit genealogical organization in the country. (Source)

Nonprofit, huh? I bet the people who donate money to these fools will reconsider next Christmas.

Look, I could probably link myself to a piece of squirrel shit if I tried hard enough, but it doesn’t mean I want to. I doubt Obama wants to be known as being anywhere in the same room as Dick Cheney’s genes.

What’s really a mess is there are some people out there who don’t even know who their parents are but we got these asshats trying to make connections between a gang of rich folks. A damn shame.

How come all I got out of the cousin deal are Chato and Loretta? Someone do a history on me, I wanna see if I lay some claim to Oprah’s money. Jimmy Buffett. SOMEBODY.

Posted by J

Popularity: 14% [?]



NEGRO PLEASE of the Week…

21 03 2008

Whaddup AHM? This is Justin Time (and no…that’s not my government name). I’ve been a AHM faithful since ahotmessblog.com was ahotmess.wordpress.com. Anyways…that’s the whole gist of things. Thanks to Erin and J for the opportunity. I’m not a replacement, I’m an addition. The IPS can never be replaced. Well..with that said, let me hit y’all off with the Negro Please of the week…

An “Oprah Winfrey Show” audience member is suing Harpo Studios Wednesday after some overzealous guests allegedly caused her to fall down a flight of stairs.

On Dec. 5, 2006, Orit Greenberg went to Harpo Studios to be an audience member for the Oprah show, according to a lawsuit filed in Cook County Circuit Court Wednesday.

Greenberg, along with an “excess number of patrons,” gathered in a waiting area before filing into the studio to be seated, the suit said. When the audience members were instructed to enter the studio and sit “where they wanted,” Greenberg claims she was pushed down stairs as the patrons “rushed the gate” while pushing and shoving one another.

The suit said Harpo management failed to properly control the crowd and was careless by allowing guests to seat themselves.

Greenberg allegedly suffered “severe and permanent injuries” from the fall, and is asking for more than $50,000 for medical care and other damages, the suit said. [source]

I had to insert the certified “Negro Please” face on this one. Let me get this straight…she was shoved by miscellaneous people, but sues Oprah for “falling” down the stairs? No ma’am. You must’ve bumped your head in mid step. I declare…if she wins this case, I’m inviting anyone to come with me to Bill Gates’ house, and we’re gonna run face first into his gated house, and sue him and Microsoft for “gate malfunctioning.”

Posted by Justin Time™

Popularity: 38% [?]



Blair Witch + Stupid = Romeo & P. Miller’s New “Film”

19 03 2008

Romeo and his pops Master P will star in a new horror film called The Pig People. I couldn’t make this shit up if I tried.

Rap mogul Percy “Master P” Miller and his son Romeo are preparing to star in their first full-length feature together in the new horror movie The Pig People.

The Pig People will star Romeo as “TJ,” one of five college students who venture into a haunted forest to shoot a documentary for their film class.

The students venture into the woods seeking to debunk an 18th century Louisiana myth surrounding the fearsome, half-human, half-swine “pig people.”

“I’ve never done a horror movie before,” said Romeo, who plans on majoring in film while playing sports at USC.

It’s a different kind of acting and the challenge is really allowing me to take my game to the next level,” Romeo told AllHipHop.com “We’re gonna make the audience jump out of their seats with this.”

In addition to actor Daeg Faerch (Halloween), Romeo’s father, reformed gangsta rapper Master P., is co-starring in the movie as the film’s villain.

The Pig People is being produced by Vault Load Films and directed by David Gueringer and is scheduled to be released in 2009. (Source)

O, RLY Romeo? Some people go to Julliard or even join a Shakespeare troupe down at their local junior college, Romeo does The Pig People to up his acting game. Hey, different strokes for different folks.

I know I’m gonna end up renting this when it comes out straight to DVD some night when I’m bored. Getting drunk and watching movies like this is one of my joys in life. Like I said, different strokes…

Is it me or is something just “off” about father and son working together so much? Maybe I just have a twisted mind but I think it might be time for P to take Keyshia’s advice and “let it go”.

Posted by J

Popularity: 28% [?]



Mariah Debuts New Single on ‘SNL’

17 03 2008

In case you missed it, Mariah Carey debuted her new terrible single “Migrate”, featuring T-Pain, on ‘SNL’ this past Saturday. I can’t even fuck with this and I’m a Mariah stan. I’m hoping that this sounds better on the CD than it did live because this is a steaming mess. Mariah really tries too hard to be young. She stays spouting off those nonsensical lines and rotating back and forth on her toes like she’s stuck to the ground. If you’re gonna do an uptempo song, a least do SOME kind of movement!

I’m upset at T-Pain coming out with that cane looking like a demon version of dude from The Apollo.

Posted by J

Popularity: 39% [?]



Jennifer Hudson (Remember Her?) Performs In A Bathroom

14 03 2008

OK, it’s not as bad as I made it out to sound but I know what my next joke for a washed-up singer is going to be.

Jennifer Hudson performed a new song called “Stand Up” while applying makeup in the mirror. I’m mad at this because it just looks so unnatural, like she was trying to come off like she was just putting on some makeup and her man ran into the room with a camera and caught her SANGIN’. She is squealing on this. It doesn’t sound good to me but I guess some people like that overdone wailing.

This is very “Apollo” to me and it’s crazy because I keep forgetting she won an Oscar.

Peeped at That Grape Juice

Posted by J

Popularity: 43% [?]



Are These Hos Serious?

5 03 2008

A reader of ours who prefers to remain anonymous (and I don’t blame you) sent us this little tidbit about Trina and Khia taking their beef from the streets to the ‘net. Now these broads didn’t get on YouTube or even MySpace but instead Bebo. HERRH!? I literally did not know this shit existed until I got this e-mail. This is some D-list social networking shit that is oh-too-fitting for these two.

I couldn’t really decipher much out of these blogs (Trina’s here and Khia’s here)because trying to read them took my IQ down about 15 points but the general idea is that they still don’t like each other. And none of us really care, still.

I leave you with this quote from Trina’s “Bebo” page about why she’s using “Bebo”:

>HONESTLY AND REALLY I DONT KNOW HOW I FOUND THIS SITE BECAUSE BEBO IS UNHEARD OFLIKE FORREAL BUT I THANK SOMEGIRL CAME TO MY MYSPACE PAGE AND WAS LIKE ARE YOU ON BEBO?I SAID NOBECAUSE I WASNT ON AT THAT TIME SO I TOOK MY AZZ AND WENT GOOGLING FOR BEBO AND I FOUND IT AND THAT`S WHY AND HOW IM ON BEBO

This is funny because if you replace the word “Bebo” with “Trina’s new song” and “Myspace page” with “A Hot Mess! e-mail”, she and I are on the exact same page.

Posted by J

Popularity: 53% [?]



All Aboard The Flop Express

29 02 2008

I guess Solange is really going through with this singing thing. Not only that, but she wants to ruin some other peoples’ careers before they’ve even started.

R&B singer Solange Knowles will be holding auditions for singers, bands and individual band members with a great look, strong musicianship and stage presence to become members of Hadley Street Dreams, her band. All members must be able to dance.

The Hadley Street Dreams, a 60s-inspired full band, will perform all live shows with Solange in support of her upcoming album to be released this August 2008 on Geffen Records, Soul Angel and the Hadley Street Dreams. (Source)

The Hadley Street Dreams? I want this to become a cult meme NOW. Let’s just say I know the theme of the next get together at my crib.

For some reason I picture Solange dressed like Punky Brewster singing about some ethereal shit. I have an idea you’re gonna have to be high to understand what’s going on in these songs. Or high to buy the album at all.

Posted by J

Popularity: 48% [?]



Crunk Grapes

29 02 2008

Get ready to line up around the block at 7-11 for this one! Lil’ Jon is putting out his own brand of wine.

The wine, called Little Jonathan Winery, reportedly includes a merlot, chardonnay and cabernet sauvignon. The wine is already being distributed in California and will hit shelves within the next two months. (Source)

LITTLE JONATHAN?! That sounds like the name of a doll or something. Don’t you get Chucky vibes?

As for this wine, I’ve never had a taste for cat piss mixed with red Kool-Aid and a hint of Bushmills, so I probably won’t be a fan of this.

Posted by J

Popularity: 48% [?]



I Can’t Believe It’s Not Arnold

27 02 2008

Gary Coleman and new wife Shannon Price came on “The Today Show” and got interviewed by Al Roker. You know it’s a time-filler when the weatherman is interviewing your ass. I’m dead at him saying he wishes people recognized him for better things than “Diff’rent Strokes”, like an ONLINE PROMOTION FOR “I CAN’T BELIEVE IT’S NOT BUTTER”.

Shannon looks dazed and confused. Either she really didn’t know he was famous when she decided to get married or she’s dumb as hell, because I think I might make as much money in a year as Gary Coleman does.

Props to Jessica for the heads up.

Posted by J

Popularity: 48% [?]



Girl, You So Edgy

21 02 2008

Rihanna bought a bunch of shitty pop art from Jack Gallery in LA’s Fairfax District. She just turned 20 so in addition to getting tattoos of sparkles and probably buying some kind of whips and chains as a joke, she got paintings that will reportedly go in both of her homes in LA and NYC. (Props to Just Jared)

I’m sure she thinks these are “rad” or whatever word Fefe Dobson would use to describe it. I’m mad at these paintings! This looks like some shit you’d see on a screen tee at Target for $10 a pop. And her ass probably bought these for ten grand. Rihanna’s a mess, though. I think it’s her age. I’m sure she has an “ice cream room” or something like that where she’ll hang these and her and her edgy friends will have an ironic laugh at them. (One more pic after the jump.)

Posted by J

Read the rest of this entry »

Popularity: 50% [?]